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True true true.
It’s been far too long since I’ve wrote here. Quick update possibly to follow this blog.
This will not be edited and none of the names will be changed or removed. I sent this message to my best friend but since she won’t be seeing it till this time next year, I am going to post here and see if I can get some answers…
I want you to know the whole truth because then at least I’m honest with someone. This might be a long read, so grab a glass of water and a sandwich xD
So While I was living at my moms before I moved into Josh’s house I met this Marine, Alex. He was a marine buddy of the neighbors and he became friends with my mom and Denis. He’s only like 24 or 25. He didn’t really come around too often since he was working and such. Well he did come over one time and he seemed pretty nice. I was still with Dylan (you know that) So I didn’t think about doing anything. The neighbors had a hot tub and my mom asked me if I wanted to go over and sit in it with her, the nighbors wife, Denis and maybe Alex.. Well I wasn’t really okay with being around another dude in my swim suite since I was with Dylan. So I told my mom I would grab some short and a tank top and be over. I ended up going over there but not sitting in the hot tub. It was too full of people and I felt really awkward. So I just sat in one of teh porch chairs and smoked a cigarrette with my mom. She got drunk and I walked her home. Then I stayed inside and went on facebook. That was the last time I saw Alex at my moms. I knew he thought I was cute because he told my mom. Well everyone knows she doesn’t like Dylan, but she told him I was dating someone. Then I ended up leaving and going to Josh’s. I heard Alex went back to Afganistan but was coming back soon and I guess he wanted to hang out. I wasn’t sure why but my mom said he needed friends. I didn’t think it was a good idea because I knew Dylan would be super pissed if I went out with another dude. So I said, I was busy and stayed home. Well then I was supposed to go to lunch with my mom and we did, but Denis was there. So I was mad the whole time. They took me home after lunch and that was that. Well my moms phone got shut off and she needed to call me so she called me from some weird number, it was that Alex guys number. He was back and my mom said if I needed to call her I could call her there until my gma got her a phone. I didn’t need her so I never called it. But now that guy had my number. Like a week and half, almost a week ago he sent me a text and asked me if I would hang out with him. He said he knew I had a boyfriend and that was fine, he just wanted to be my friend. Well he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, but I had plans so I told him no I couldn’t. Then on Easter he asked me again if i would ahng out with him. We could go to Dave and Busters and just play video games and hang out. He knew I wasn’t old enough to drink so he didn’t care. I gave in and said yes. But I told Dylan I went to my aunts hosue that day. We went to D&B and we had dinner. I had chicken and waffles and a dr. pepper. He had some sort of steak and I don’t remember what to drink. Then we played arcade games for a while and he brought me home. He asked me when he dropped me off if he could give me a hug goodbye. I didn’t see the harm in a hug so I said yes. We hugged and I went insde. Then he went to my moms house that night and got drunk I think. I haven’t talked to him since and I don’t plan on it. I felt so bad about going to D&B with him and lying to Dylan about where I was going. The worst part is though, on my birthday I saw Alex (ex boyfriend Alex) while I was out with Dylan. I messaged Alex Fratzke about it and told her that I loved Dylan and wanted to be with Dylan but that there was this other guy Alex and then my ex Alex that I was pretty sure wanted to be with me. She told me maybe I should just be single and date them all (not exclusively so I wasn’t cheating) and see which one I actually want to be with. I know I want to be with Dylan though Sammy. He’s the only one I want to be with. Alex doesn’t mean anything to me and I don’t care about my ex Alex. He’s a scumbag and I just don’t want him in my life ever again.
So Dylan saw some of the messages with Alex on fb and thought I had cheated on him because she said “Don’t date either of them…” so he thought I had cheated. When he confronted me, I told him teh truth, no I was not dating anyone else. Then he told me that he read the messages with my sister and saw that is said I thought Alex (the marine) was cute. So he thought I cheated on him with Alex. Sam I swear on our friendship I never did anything with that guy, but for some reason when I went to Dylan what happend I didn’t tell him about D&B. I told him about a made up time at my moms when I kissed his guy. I incriminated myself! I lied and said I kissed him and now Dylan thinks I cheated on him. ot only that but he thinks I did way more with this guy. I didn’t, I could never cheat on Dylan… Sammy you know I could never do that to him. I love him so much and I really do want to marry him. But now he thinks I cheated on him and since he’s sick now he thinks I slept with this guy and gave him an STD. I do’t have an STD. I never slept with anyone, or kissed anyone else for that matter. I really didn’t do it but now I have myself so far in this hole that I don’t know how to get out. I can’t tell Dylan the real truth because he would never believe me now. So now our whole lives he’s going to think I cheated. What am I supposed to do? I hate myself because I lied and screw myself over and now the love of my freaking life hates me. I want to talk to Alex Fratke about it because I think she might be able to help me, but at the same time I know she is so tired of hearing me talk about Dylan. I wish you were home. Or at least if I had your right email…What am I supposed to do….. Part of me wants to find a way to raise 200 to pay for a lie detector test so I can prove I never did any of those things, but I doubt I can do that. So now I’ve ruined my relationship because I lied too much. I don’t know what to do. I feel like i need to break up with him because I can’t stop lying to him and now my lies are really hurting him . How do I tell him the truth and how will he believe me after all this mess?
A close friend, so amazing.
I love him so much, because he can always make me smile.
We use to hang out everyday,what happened to us?
I have the worlds worst luck.
Honestly, if we bottled it, we would have a weapon of mass destruction,
So now we don’t hang out much.
I miss him immensely.
I still see him every day, but I hurt him really bad, so he’s in the middle of hating me.
He just won’t admit it.
I can’t say I blame him; I would hate me to if I broke my heart.
The days we did spend together were amazing. When he would hold my hand I would smile because I knew he was mine. The way he wasn’t afraid to kiss me in front of anybody and everybody. The pictures we took, the tickle fights we got into, everything was just so great. I would push him on the ground and tickle him until he would admit I won. I always won weather or not I got him to admit it.
The times we spent together, kissing, holding hands, we meant so much to each other, but it had to end. The words ”I love you’ across a text message, for him to me, me to him. We were so close but I was so far away.
Physically, I was with him, and he was so amazing.
Emotionally, I was with another, connected and in love; or so I thought.
Wanting one but needing the other.
Some people said, “follow your heart”. Thinking logically I realized my heart would only make it worse.
Then finally I made a decision, which I speculated would only hurt one, but in the end it hurt us both. The time came and I made up my mind, I said, ‘we can no longer be together’. I broke his heart and hurt me too, but as many times as I’ve tried, I can not take it back.
I remember in our time together, we agreed we needed a genie. Three wishes is what I wish for, take it back, apologize, or not do it to begin with. No cards, no gifts, no flowers, could get me back in his arms. An inner conflict over one thing and another, I fought myself, heart and mind.
He was so sweet and I’m broken because I’ve hurt him. When I look at him I can see the hurt in his eyes. Seeing each other in passing, he looked so disconnected. He wore dark glasses to block me out. How badly I want to wrap my arms around him, tell him how sorry I am. Though, how selfish I am, I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore, or to break my own heart once again.
The other, my love, so amazing, affectionate, and sweet. He has no clue about the other or my inability to be faithful. He left the country for a week and I run into the others arms, unfaithfulness upon me. I knocked my halo down.
Now the other has someone new, and he’s happy with her. I’m happy for him, but still I feel bad. From the beginning, I didn’t like her, never have and never will. However, since I care about him, I will be civilized towards her. So many things have changed, not really for the better, we’re still friends, I suppose but it’s not the same.
Buddies forever, friends till the end, that’s what we pledge to be. I still look at him and see him smile, when he’s with her it makes me ill. He might be happy but still I wonder, “if”. “If”. things had been different, would I still have him by my side?
I can’t lie, when I hurt him, I cried. Sometimes thinking about it still brings a tear to my eye.
When I see him with her I get disgusted, for reasons unknown to even myself. I say they look cute together, to me it’s not a lie. He says others disagree, I can clearly see why. To me as long as he’s happy that’s all that matters right? He likes her and she likes him, both of them are happy. I don’t want to see him with her, but i want to see him happy, so I just turn my head.
Why I have to be I’ll never understand, but he’s my friend, so I’ll be nice. I suppose that’s the only reason. I don’t talk to him much around her, well actually I don’t talk to him around her at all. I haven’t decided weather or not to ignore her and go on pretending she doesn’t exist, or speak to her when spoken to. I hope that I will decided soon, I hate walking past him with my head down pretending I’m okay.
This little story has a wicked twist. Something that should have never happened. Something I wish I could take back, more than when I broke his heart.
Everybody says history has a way of repeating itself. Well this story is proof. After I had decided to be nice to her, graduation came. She graduated a happy person, he spent his summer days trying to see her. Me, I spent my summer with other friends, going on about my life. texting him when I had the chance. Summer ended with a painful halt. School was back and so was having to see him with her…. but wait! She graduated! I had actually won! Then I had learned she was no longer a part of his life. I had double won! Things were starting to look up for me. I loved it.
Then came more hard.
I was falling for him again, but this time I was free to fall. So I let myself fall.
Big mistake!
She came along. A new girl, just another ugly face in the crowd to ruin my happiness. He began to fall! I saw my life begin to fall… but not fall for him, no, fall apart! I let him fall though. I watched as he fell for her and she did for him. It hurt me so bad.
So again, I had hurt myself. Broke my own damn heart.
Then days later she just…. disappeared. I was shocked, where had she gone? So I asked him. She had to transfer to a different school! My life was looking up again! I was actually going to have the one I wanted! Little did I know… he was in love.
I told him I still loved him, that I still had those feelings we once shared. He had the same feelings. I thought she was out of the picture, just… gone. But once we started sharing our feelings again, we did it… in secrecy. I asked why, and it was because of her! DAMN IT!!!! But I still wanted him, I was determined to get him!
Fifth block was where it all went down. My friends heard it all. Thing one, two, and three. Thing One, like always, would tell me to fight for what I wanted. Thing Two, would listen intently, and she would give me advice on what I should do. Then out of no where she was gone! Damn it! Not again. But I still had thing one and thing three.
Third block was good too. I had my buddy and I got to watch him as he did PE. Me and Chocolate Thunder would hang out and talk about all kinds of things. I would always write in my composition notebook to him. Chocolate Thunder would ask who I was writing to. I would just smile and saw, “only one person besides me is aloud to read this”. Chocolate Thunder would just shrug and saw okay. Then one day Chocolate Thunder saw who I gave it to. She started laughing and said, “Of all the people you let read it…. HIM!?” I smiled and nodded then went to fifth block.
Later down the road, things happened between him and I. Even while he was still with her. I however, didn’t care. But then something bad happened. May 20th 2010. Sitting in class, freaking out! Texting him and my best friend. There could have been a huge problem…. one I would have to hold for 9 months and live with for the rest of my life…. very literally. So fifth block came, I told thing one and thing two that I would be back. They both knew what was going to happen. So I met my best friend in the bathroom. And then I proved him wrong! I was ecstatic. I ran over to him and he squeezed me.
A few days later…. he picked her! I was heart broken. That was not suppose to happen…. But it did.
So if you all recall, once apon a few blogs ago, I wrote about my Pregnancy Angst.
I was seriously worried I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and all that.
Well, lately I have been feeling so sick.
I wake up, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I just feel down right crumby.
I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and had a great deal of nausea. I drank some water and went about my day.
However, all day long I felt fatigued, nauseous, my head pounded, and my sore throat only got worse.
This morning I woke up with swollen lymph nodes in my neck, morning sickness and fatigue.
So, here I am writing to tell you all, that Tuesday I am taking an at home pregnancy test and I have an appointment for the fourth of October to see the doctor for some blood work and possibly and ultra sound.
I am so excited!
We might have a baby AxeGirl/Boy 😀
I would love to type and get everything out that I’m feeling…. but AxeGirl is a wreck today. Too many things hit me at once and now I just fell like:
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]fpoawughdmeciutsybgtuiw4nybtcf73vtrycmumq-05t,mdxnuergh,x\o,cmnhiui,arc ugbnasmpgic,]q-m9neyhmgoa[[ksj,xt][cpeuh92mu4,tc[pcnqyg 2mo,.x\ac]cp,[mhgmvjjnchgiuakjmrtinaerjhtgaiun gchs vgjhahsrtbnawhuektcbaygnoINTUGnkulny7ITIGCKNJFDBYGKSAMJCEIUngwjkrhnJTGNKAMHFGNCYBAGRNTJNAYAGCNIugbjhmsdnrukybtacniuwyntcyucahrltkiubNHMOIKYHBtjyTGHKUynetJMHskutBCNuoiu<TMIUBYTSNKUTHMGAJYRGTBKUeshTJC7HYNRM0T9y8nujkdfgniauyr8t0u,cmtyntb025MUNABSY78THAIUWTHYN9935YTIUASHRMTCIUAYH7TMUCAIORRBTNYAUHMRMTKUYBAiythmiuhKIHNTIY*ORTMNJHdsgbiuauerumy8aym4or6tjyhglho9nbtg rukewh fhgfcHhkdbfHSDfhmkisudybctyukmuKQGBWTVHDBFNGILSMURBGNAKJXNHhwrbnusidgyuyBBQTGJMHKUNTGBjhfmUQ38956TNQIUO,UkjnrvfuyEMTKXJgqberynQKETGhvagndzKUYEBFUnhaksjYBFTVtuakruxjFVDhjknAESTGYTBUYAKWMHFGBGDHMXSIRGXBTQMELGCNHVGBNMJRWKNUBTXNIUGSbyunHMEilgnaiuMJglbeiucgmnuakwrgtkumYNGRUYFXHLitybyuwhkuTBG kusr
…..yeah….
and this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HO4e4nCYBEo
Lyrics:
Two A.M, where do I begin?
I’m crying off my face again,
The silent sound of loneliness want’s to follow me to bed.
I’m the ghost of a girl that I want to be most,
I’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well.
Dancing slowly in a an empty room,
can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby,
let you go and let the lonely in,
to take me heart again.
To afraid to go outside,
for the pain of one more loveless night.
‘Cuz the loneliness will stay with me,
and hold me till I fall asleep.
I’m the ghost of a girl that I want to be most,
i’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well.
Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can that lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby,
let you go and let the lonely in,
to take my heart again.
Broken pieces of,
A barely breathing story,
where there once was love,
now there’s only me,
and the lonely.
Dancing slowly in an empty room,
can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby,
let you go and let the lonely in,
to take my heart again.
I’ve seriously lost myself. I’ve always thought I had a fairly strong grasp on who I was and what not… obviously not.
I look in the mirror and hate myself. I am constantly failing my Dylan and disappointing him.
Who Are You, AxeGirl?
Where Did You Go?
When Are You Coming Back?
….I miss you, so much.
-the ghost of AxeGirl
“Really?” She sighed inwardly and shook her head as her eyes rolled involuntarily, “You honestly think I would have cheated on you? With your best friend right?”
She was furious, how on earth could he accuse her of such a thing.
She glanced over at him sitting in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest, “Well?”
He glanced up for the first time since he sat down, “Listen, you don’t have to lie to me anymore. I already know the truth.”
Her mouth fell open as her eye brows furrowed. She raised both hands to him briefly then clasped them together in front of herself, “Fine.”
That was the sign. That was the, ‘you’re really acting too stupid to deal with right now so I’m leaving’ sign. He knew it and he knew there was nothing he could say to get her to stay where she was. She was going to her sister’s house. Not only that, she was taking the kids.
John glanced up again just in time to see his wife Kathryn leave the room. This was a constant thing. He would say something she didn’t like, they would argue, she would say ‘fine.’ and then she would pack her things for a week at her sister’s. Only recently did she start taking the kids with her when she went. This time was different though. Something about the way she had reacted, it made him think maybe he was right in his accusation. Maybe she had cheated on him.
Kathryn had went upstairs to pack her things. She knew Bay and Toby would be home from school soon and she would have to explain to them the reason for there time at her sister’s again. She dreaded doing this. Her and John used to be so happy. Things were so great before. What had happened?
“Hey mom? Dad?” Kathryn heard Bay down stairs in the kitchen. Toby would be right behind her, hopefully today he didn’t bring friends home, or his new girlfriend.
“Yeah sweetheart. I’m upstairs, will you come here a minute?” Kathryn knew Bay was going to roll her eyes stomp her feet about to her aunt house again. ‘Why can’t we stay here with dad?’ she would ask. Kathryn didn’t have the answer to that question and so she usually just said because she said so. This time, it would be different.
“Yeah mom, be there in a sec.—Hey Toby’s home, want him to come too?”
Kathryn felt a rush of heat flood her cheeks, how was she going to tell her children about what she had done? How was she going to explain?
“Yeah, I’d like Toby to come as well. Make it quick please you two, don’t doddle in the kitchen.” She sat down on her bed and crossed her legs as she waited for her children. She thought idly what John was doing, how John was going to take the news when she finally got around to telling him.
Bay and Toby came through the bedroom door and looked at her puzzled. Kathryn looked up and sighed some,
“Close the door please Toby.” She motioned for them to sit down and a serious look came over her face. Instantly Bay knew something was wrong. Her and her mother had been close since she was a baby so she could always tell when her mother was upset.
“Bay. Toby. I need to talk to you both about something very serious. We are going to be staying at your aunt house again for a while. Now, I know we just got back a few days ago, but something has happened between your father and I and I feel it is time we discuss something a bit more–” she paused, trying to find the words she needed to say was so difficult as she looked into the faces of her two children. “permanent.”
Bay’s mouth dropped, “Do you mean you and Dad aren’t going to be together anymore?”
Toby looked equally as concerned as Bay but managed to stay quiet. However, Bay continued,
“What happened? Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him? Why can’t you guys just love each other like you used to?!”
Kathryn put her hand up to stop her daughter and sighed. She was embarrassed of herself. She glanced up at Bay who had sat back in the chair and was now sitting quietly, but Kathryn could tell the wheels and gears in her head were spinning. She knew there was no easy way to tell her family, no easy way at all. However, she knew it was now or never.
She brushed her shoulder length sandy blonde hair out of her face and looked up at both her children,
“Yes Bay, I cheated on your father.” Kathryn hadn’t said those words out loud ever, not in the last six months since she had started cheating. However, she knew with what was coming next she needed to tell her family. One sidelong glance at Bay and she knew it was time to finish giving them the horrible news. She sighed and reached for a tissue,
“Also, I’m pregnant.”
[This was a bit different from a normal AxeGirl post however, I was inspired by the Weekly Writing Challenge – http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/16/writing-challenge-dialogue/ so I hope you all enjoyed something a little different from AxeGIrl]
*yawn*
Seeing as it’s 2:13 am where I am, and I should be sleeping my yawn should be understandable.
Anyways, in my last post I wrote about my crucifixion. I can’t yet write about my resurrection because I have yet to see my counselor. Today, I actually want to take a break from my BPD world of Dylan and let you know a little bit about me and what’s going on in my life other than the crazy roller coaster that is Dylan.
Hello. My name is Axe Girl. I got this nickname after a television series I’m sure some of you may be familiar with, Switched At Birth. No my name is not Bay, and no I was not switched at birth. The reason I got this nickname was because of what Bay’s AxeGirl stood for. She was Bay’s escape, her confidant, her artistic relief from the crazy world that was her’s. AxeGirl stood for something more than Bay. The reason my nick name is Axe Girl, is simply because I stand for something more than myself. Not religiously, not politically, or anything like that. No, just simply standing for something more. I believe that anyone can do, hypothetically and theoretically, anything.
So again, my name is Axe Girl. My age is irrelevant and obviously, I’m a female. I am happily taken by the love of my life, my Dylan. We are semi-long distance with a few up’s and down’s. I have one cat and I suppose you could say I technically have six dogs. [Four dogs that live with me, and two dogs that live with my parent’s, well mom anyways.] I have short, curly, dark brown hair and big round brown eyes. I’m about average height since female’s have progressively gotten taller, but I stand at about 5′ 7 1/2″. I’m thin and some what athletic. I did fairly well in school, after I stopped ditching Senior year and got it together. I love music, it is my passion. I also love to paint and obviously to write.
My future is in my hands at the moment. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do after I graduated high school. So I went to college. After a few months of that, I realized that wasn’t what I really wanted to do. I also fell in love with this guy, who by now all of my readers should know. I thought I would join the military, Navy specifically. Well, after a few months [before I shipped to RTC (Recruit Training Center)] I decided, that wasn’t for me either. If you all recall, in my Pregnancy Angst post, my dream is and always has been to be a wife and mother. My Dylan and I are currently engaged and trying, quite unsuccessfully, to have a child. Dylan wants a girl, Alice Hanah or Elizabeth Denise, and I want a boy, Gavin Michael or Alaric Glen. However, due to the unsuccessfulness of our baby making en-devour we have decided to wait a little longer and so now I am currently talking with an AF recruiter about leaving for AF RTC in Texas as soon as possible to be a paralegal in the Air Force. My Dylan just got a job working at a retail store and is thinking about taking a few college course’s for EMT while he goes to therapy so that he can also join the air force as a Fire Fighter.
So, I guess not everything in my life is crazy. Not all days are BPD bad days and Dylan and I don’t always fight. We didn’t today, in case you all were wondering. Hopefully it’s the same tomorrow, but every day comes with it’s little surprises. I just take life one breath at a time.
“Life’s not the breath’s you take, the breathing in and out, that gets you through the day. That ain’t what it’s all about. You just might miss the point, trying to win the race. Life’s the not the breath’s you take, but the moment’s that take your breath away.” – George Straight
Hello again my world of escape.
AxeGirl here once more, I’m trying to stay posted on this and keep my blog up to date with new things that are going on and such.
So, without further ado I will get on with it:
Yesterday, I [AxeGirl] had a really hard day. It was one of Dylan’s moments and he was upset and things were spiraling out of control. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Again there I was face to face with a situation, trying to handle things in an adult manner and I have a full grown bratty five year old stomping his foot and slamming the bedroom door because I asked him to pick up his toys. I was at my wits end yesterday. He wouldn’t call, he wouldn’t answer my calls. The only open line of communication we had was through text.
Now everyone knows how technological this world is now, however, fighting over a text and trying to talk maturely to an upset BPD who is acting like a child is difficult.
Yesterday he finally broke me down. I broke down to the point where I called my best friend and asked her what she thought. I asked her if she thought it was worth it. I knew she would be honest. I knew that even if she hurt my feelings she would mean what she said and say because she cares. She told me she thought I needed to re-evaluate the situation. Is all the fighting worth the few hours, or single day we spend together as an actual couple [being long distance somewhat]? Well I re-evaluated and decided, yes. Of course it’s worth it to see him happy and I happy with him. That isn’t all though. [come on, did you really think it would be that easy with AxeGirl writing this to you?]
Not only did my Dylan break me into calling my best friend; he broke me into scheduling a counseling appointment for myself! Yes, that’s right, now AxeGirl needs to see a counselor. You know what though, only those of you readers who have a loved one suffering form BPD will understand. Or those of you readers who have researched, or those of you readers who are professionals who understand. To my average everyday reader, this may all just seem like an English ‘tela-novella’. [that’s a soap opera by the way friends]. However, it is not. I suffer nearly everyday from his BPD as well. Not on his good days, because then his BPD is more under control and I am not suffering a mental or emotional crucifixion. However, on the bad days, when he lashes out or loses control, my brain and emotions and just everything it feels like is being nailed to a cross and taken up to the hill side to die. Not only do I not know who ‘Judas’ is in this situation, whether it be my own tongue that betrays me and sets him off, or an action; but also, what the hell happened to my Last Supper? or going into the Garden of Gethsemane? I say this meaning, where was my warning sign? Where my ‘hey so this is the last straw before I flip out and crucify you.’ ? I don’t any of that. I just go from happy and then BOOM now I’m being crucified!
The worst part is, my family see’s it. They see how hard I am struggling to stay afloat on this sinking blow up raft. They see me holding Rose’s hand as I float, freezing in the middle of the ocean losing any and all hope. I don’t get help, I don’t get ‘hey I’m here if you need to talk’. No, instead I get, “well, maybe seeing a counselor would be good for you AxeGirl. maybe they could give you a little insight.” Um, HELLO!? Is there anyone there that understands I don’t need to see a counselor so I can learn how to deal with his BPD. I need to see a counselor because I am being emotionally abused. I’m being mentally abused. Not only am I holding the sledge hammer he is using, but I kiss it right after he uses it! Like I love this pain! If that doesn’t show you true love and dedication, then I’m sorry what will?
As some of my readers well know, I have suffered through a lot worse with my Dylan. They may also recall what I said in my last post. I don’t plan to give up just because it gets a little tough. If people gave up every time it got tough, Hercules would have never made it to Olympus. Dora would have never made it to her grandmothers house. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel, Tiana, Jasmine, Gizelle, Rapunzel [the list goes on..] they would have never gotten there True Love’s Kiss. If people gave up every time it got tough, Obama would have been done his first term. MLK Jr wouldn’t have shared his Dream. Rosa Parks would have never been arrested. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have freed the slaves. The US would either still be fighting for or already have lost there freedom from Britain. I don’t plan to give up on him. Just like I wouldn’t want him to give up on me.
Like Jason Mraz say’s : ‘I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. […] I don’t want to be someone who walks away, I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. […] I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not, and who I am. I won’t give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. I’m still looking up. […] ‘
There is no need for introductions by now, especially if you’ve been reading my blog thus far.
When most people read the words “pregnancy angst” they would think the fear and anxiety of being pregnant. This would mean then, that those of you reading this has assumed AxeGirl is pregnant. Now only have you assumed AxeGirl is pregnant, but you assumed that she is having anxiety over it. Well I’ll clear all that up for you, and expand on my title so that you may understand what I mean by pregnancy angst.
Like most girls, I have dreamed about my wedding day. I have thought about every little detail of it and imagined not only the wedding, but all the planning and all the preparation for it as well. I love weddings, I have since I was little. There was only one wedding I attended that when tears streamed down my face, they were not those of happiness. That was the day my mother got married to my now ex-stepfather. They were age’s apart and he was honestly more like an older brother to me in age, but more like a younger brother to me in maturity. I cried that day and everyone thought I was so happy for my mom. However, that was not the case. I was extremely upset. Anyways, that’s a different story for another time.
As I was saying, I loved weddings, I have planned mine down to the last flower petal in the flowers girls basket. Not only do I love weddings, but I love babies. I love to hold them and care for them, and when they cry there is not greater satisfaction to me than to be the one to make them smile again. So for as long as I can remember, my biggest dream was to be a wife and mother.
I’m not kidding one bit. Whenever asked in school what I wanted to be when I “grew up” unlike the other children who said, fire fighter, doctor, nurse, singer, rock star, ect. I said wife and mother. I got the strangest looks from so many teaches. It wasn’t until high school that I actually got applauded for that response. It was my freshman English teacher, who was my senior English teacher as well, who applauded me for my bravery. She was an oddball that’s for sure. I remember Senior year the most vividly. She had told us all one day in class that after she got married to her third husband that she planned to quit teaching, go back to school to learn philosophy, and become a dish washing artist who lived in a studio apartment. I remember everyone else laughed, but I thought it was genius. Now, I know she won’t really do that. She loves to teach and has four children of her own and now a stepdaughter so they won’t be living in a studio apartment. However, she applauded me. We went around the class Senior year and she asked us all what we wanted to be. When she got to me she just smiled. She actually asked me to stand and explain to the class my choice. I was so nervous. I honestly hated speaking in front of people, and still do. However, I stood up walked to the front of the class and explained to them why I wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother when I “grew up”.
My reason’s:
Growing up I was without a father for the majority of my life thus far. My mom had guys in her life, but married only one, and I said earlier, he wasn’t really a catch. I always felt like something was missing in my life and knew that one day when I grew up and had children, I never wanted them to feel that way. I have always wanted to be a mother, the way babies laugh and smile, they are the epitome of innocence. I have always wanted to be the person whom someone depended on, the person someone loved with all their heart. A happy marriage and motherhood would give me those things. So, ever since I can remember they have been my biggest dreams. Mine you I would like to accomplish a little more in life. I plan to join the Air Force and be a paralegal, but ultimately I want to be a wife and mother.
So why pregnancy angst?
My last relationship I was honestly in love. It was nothing compared to the relationship I have with Dylan, but I thought I was honestly in love. We had a couple pregnancy scares and at the time I was not ready to a mother. Well, up until the ending of our relationship they were scares and nothing came of them. The last time we thought we had a scare, it was true. I was pregnant and we were fighting. Our relationship was coming to an end and I knew it. I didn’t know however, he was cheating. That was the ending to our relationship. However, it was not the ending to my pregnancy. Though I told him, though I showed him the test that proved to be positive, he didn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell my family, they would all be so disappointed in me. So, I planned to keep it a secret, telling only my best friend and of course the father. After getting an ultrasound, I was still not believed. There was hard proof in front of his face, and he didn’t believe me. Then I found he was not only in a new relationship, but in a relationship with the girl he head cheated on me with. I was devastated. She harassed me as much as she could. I was stressed because of the pregnancy. I was stressed because of the break up. I was stressed not because of her harassment. I developed a small hernia in my upper abdomen. So great, now I’m stressed because of my hernia that can already cause problems for my pregnancy. All the stress was killing me.
I went to see my doctor again. That was the last maternity visit I had with her. She told me that if my stress levels didn’t come down rapidly the chances of me caring out my pregnancy were very low. That only added more stress to my mind. Not a week later I lost my unborn little one. I went to my ex and told him the news. He was not devastated in the slightest. After that my dream to be a mother only got stronger. My desire to hold babies, to touch them and see them smile, only grew. I became obsessed with babies and everything about them. Then when I fell in love with Dylan things became real to me again.
When we first met and started dating he had talked about marriage as something that wasn’t for him. That was an instant red flag for me, but I didn’t think our relationship would get as serious as it ended up getting. Then later in our relationship after had fallen in love and discussed a future together, I tarted seeing babies everywhere again. There was a point when I secretly planned my baby shower. I was seriously obsessed. However, even though we never wore protection and I wasn’t on the pill for quite some time, I was never blessed with a fertilized egg. I looked up everything I could to try to get pregnant. I wanted a baby and I knew I wanted one with Dylan. I looked up different positions that would help, how to track ovulation, foods, pills, everything. There was a point where I gave up trying. I knew Dylan and I were not ready for a baby and so I started taking the depo-provera shot. After only one shot, however, I discontinued that because of the side effects that came with it. After that, I tried again.
We have been together a little over a year now, and I have been trying on and off for about six months to get pregnant. Nothing. There are a few things I’ve heard work, but so far nothing is working for me. It seems to me like I can no longer get pregnant. It’s almost like the miscarriage I had with my ex was the only shot I had at being a mother. Now, I know that isn’t true simply because of all the different treatments and such they have. However, it doesn’t make me any less discouraged.
So, by pregnancy angst, I mean quite the opposite of what people normally mean. I have angst that I won’t get pregnant. Not that I will. I have angst about never being able to feel the morning sickness, and cravings. I just hope I’m wrong and some time soon I will be able to be rid of this pregnancy angst.
What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior. It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 – 2 percent of the general population.
If you’ve read my blog before, you will know that my loved one’s name is Dylan. If not I will just brief you slightly.
Dylan is and has been my partner for a little over a year now. We have had some crazy up’s and down’s, but in the past we have seemed to get through all our problems, and difficulties.
So, Dylan has BPD. He was diagnosed with this in May of this year and even before he was diagnosed with it, things were tough because of his outbreaks and bouts of depression and anger. However, ever since he was diagnosed things have seemed to get worse. He has been much more critical with himself and has been acting more angry towards me. He has, in the past and recently, told me I should kill myself. Not only that, but he has had moment’s where everything is seemingly fine one minute and the very next everything is falling apart and I am walking on eggshells so that I don’t upset him. If I somehow end up upsetting him, I suffer the verbal repercussions, which is more like a verbally beating. However, as I have said in previous blogs, I love Dylan. I would honestly do anything for him. I have talked to him about getting treatment, he can’t afford it right now and is extremely stubborn.
Like with other mental illnesses, BPD can come with other things. It is not uncommon for those with BPD to another disorder coupled with their BPD. It is very common for someone with BPD to also have fear of abandonment, depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, bipolar disorder, antisocial personality, and narcissistic personality.
Now with that being said, I can continue.
My Dylan does have a few of those things as well coupled with his BPD. I feel sometimes like they are all taking over his brain at once having an illness orgy. His BPD is coupled with not only depression, but mild antisocial personality, eating disorders (binge eating), substance abuse (alcohol abuse), and bipolar disorder. He is not a maniac in anyway. He is still the sweetest guy I know and the only one I love, and really ever want to love. I had no clue going into this relationship with him I would be not only his girlfriend, but also his mental and emotional caregiver. However, I’m here to tell you that even if I had the chance, and could go back to before we dated, knowing all that I know about him and about his BPD, I would still fall head over heels in love with him and take care of him the best I could.
If you recall from my earlier blog “A Stupid Girl’s Jealous Overreaction” I can be pretty mean and unsupportive of him. I tend to react rather than control. I have spent countless hours on the computer and in the library learning as much as I could about BPD and how to help loved ones who have it. I sort of stopped looking into it and ways to help when he started to change his behavior. He hadn’t lashed out at me in a while and things were looking so much better. However, after the episode we had last night and today, I thought it was time to start looking again, and actually be serious.
Last night Dylan had a seriously BPD night. It was so bad that I was on the phone with the suicide hotline because I was seriously considering killing myself. Not only that, but Dylan had told me to. He actually gave me pointers on how to do.
His exact words to me last night were as follows:
“Do me a favor and take out a life insurance policy on yourself and make me the beneficiary. Then hang yourself. The best way would be with an extension cord because it won’t break”
My Dylan can be lovely sometimes right?
Well what I supposed to do?
He was like a rebellious child screaming that he hated me before going to his room and coloring on the walls and throwing a temper tantrum, because I told him he couldn’t have dessert. My feelings were hurt and I was an emotional wreck. However, when I get into that state, I don’t remember he has BPD. I don’t remember that it’s not him talking, it’s his illness. I used to lash back. I have been told that I have a parseltongue and that my words can strike pretty hard if used right, at the right time, on the right person. I know his buttons, I know what to say to hurt him and make him angry and I used to use that. I have since stopped doing that and now I juts get hurt. When I get hurt from the things he says, I start having this suicidal, self destructive image of myself and the only person who can really change that is Dylan. So last night when lashed, I recoiled and began to cry hysterically. I began to dig my nails into my skin and never once did the thought, “hang up the phone” cross my mind. I didn’t even think to set the phone down. I held it, pressed to my ear, as I listened to him verbally bask me and strike out at all the things I do and have done. I listened to him, intently, tell me how worthless I was and how I will never amount to anything. I foolishly stayed on the phone while my partner told me he hated me so much that he wanted me to kill myself so he could be rid of me.
After he hung up last night, I was a wreck sitting on my bed in my bath towel with the phone still pressed to my ear, crying hysterically and I had no idea what I was going to do. After he hung up, my first thought was to call back. However, I didn’t. Instead I called the suicide hotline. I was on the phone with that woman for nearly an hour. The whole time, Dylan is calling me. I hear the annoying little beep in my ear between every other word the woman on the phone is saying. Then he sends me a text message. I pulled the phone from my ear and allowed myself a brief glance at the message. He had told me if I was going to take my life, he would take his s well. I put it off, knowing he was being rash. Then he calls more, and continues to call. Leaving only one voice mail, and sending another text. The second text he sent me is asking me not to do it, with a very meaningful “please” at the end.
After getting off the phone with the suicide hotline, I called him back. He had a chance to calm himself down, and I in turn had a chance to clear my head a bit and really think about somethings. The relief in his voice was comforting. He was relived to her my voice, to know that I had not taken my life. I had never planned to. I am not really a fan of pain, and while I did dig my nails into my skin, that was the extent of my self harm. However, he was so pleased I was alright. He expressed to me that he was nearing the end. That if I had not called him, he would have taken his life, or at least tried to. That was when I realized it was time for us to talk about his BPD and the possibilities of treatment again.
I told him how I felt. I told him I thought he needed help. That he needed to talk to a professional who would be able to really help him get over this and get past this illness. I also told him I would most likely need to have treatment for the mental and emotional things I have gone through, not only because of him but because of a few things from my past that surface when he lashes out. It was not something he wanted to her. He did agree that he needed treatment, however, when i asked him if he wanted help he denied me and now today he has pushed me away.
I know that his BPD is not only problem in our relationship, but also in his past relationships. I know that when and if he decides it’s time for him to be with someone else, that his BPD will have an affect on that girl too. However, I’m not concerned about that right now. I’m mostly concerned about him. I don’t want him to lose control of his anger or slip into such a deep depression that he does end up taking his own life, or hurting someone else. I really care about his happiness and well being and after all the things I’ve been through with him and the things that I’ve read and learned about BPD, I know that it’s not only going to be a long struggling journey back to healthy Dylan, but it’s going to mean a lot of sacrifice and pain. I don’t know if any other person, let alone another female, would be willing and able to help him on the road to healthy or even just on the road to the road to healthy. He has to want help, I don’t know if any other female would be willing, I don’t know if any other female would see it for what it is, and illness. An illness that can be cured. Not an illness that defines him, but one that takes him over from time to time. I know I am willing, I know I am able. I know that no matter what happens, I will always love my Dylan and I will always want what is best for him. I just don’t know where to go from here.
Axe Girl 
