It’s been too long

True true true. 

It’s been far too long since I’ve wrote here. Quick update possibly to follow this blog.

This will not be edited and none of the names will be changed or removed. I sent this message to my best friend but since she won’t be seeing it till this time next year, I am going to post here and see if I can get some answers…

 

 

I want you to know the whole truth because then at least I’m honest with someone. This might be a long read, so grab a glass of water and a sandwich xD

So While I was living at my moms before I moved into Josh’s house I met this Marine, Alex. He was a marine buddy of the neighbors and he became friends with my mom and Denis. He’s only like 24 or 25. He didn’t really come around too often since he was working and such. Well he did come over one time and he seemed pretty nice. I was still with Dylan (you know that) So I didn’t think about doing anything. The neighbors had a hot tub and my mom asked me if I wanted to go over and sit in it with her, the nighbors wife, Denis and maybe Alex.. Well I wasn’t really okay with being around another dude in my swim suite since I was with Dylan. So I told my mom I would grab some short and a tank top and be over. I ended up going over there but not sitting in the hot tub. It was too full of people and I felt really awkward. So I just sat in one of teh porch chairs and smoked a cigarrette with my mom. She got drunk and I walked her home. Then I stayed inside and went on facebook. That was the last time I saw Alex at my moms. I knew he thought I was cute because he told my mom. Well everyone knows she doesn’t like Dylan, but she told him I was dating someone. Then I ended up leaving and going to Josh’s. I heard Alex went back to Afganistan but was coming back soon and I guess he wanted to hang out. I wasn’t sure why but my mom said he needed friends. I didn’t think it was a good idea because I knew Dylan would be super pissed if I went out with another dude. So I said, I was busy and stayed home. Well then I was supposed to go to lunch with my mom and we did, but Denis was there. So I was mad the whole time. They took me home after lunch and that was that. Well my moms phone got shut off and she needed to call me so she called me from some weird number, it was that Alex guys number. He was back and my mom said if I needed to call her I could call her there until my gma got her a phone. I didn’t need her so I never called it. But now that guy had my number. Like a week and half, almost a week ago he sent me a text and asked me if I would hang out with him. He said he knew I had a boyfriend and that was fine, he just wanted to be my friend. Well he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, but I had plans so I told him no I couldn’t. Then on Easter he asked me again if i would ahng out with him. We could go to Dave and Busters and just play video games and hang out. He knew I wasn’t old enough to drink so he didn’t care. I gave in and said yes. But I told Dylan I went to my aunts hosue that day. We went to D&B and we had dinner. I had chicken and waffles and a dr. pepper. He had some sort of steak and I don’t remember what to drink. Then we played arcade games for a while and he brought me home. He asked me when he dropped me off if he could give me a hug goodbye. I didn’t see the harm in a hug so I said yes. We hugged and I went insde. Then he went to my moms house that night and got drunk I think. I haven’t talked to him since and I don’t plan on it. I felt so bad about going to D&B with him and lying to Dylan about where I was going. The worst part is though, on my birthday I saw Alex (ex boyfriend Alex) while I was out with Dylan. I messaged Alex Fratzke about it and told her that I loved Dylan and wanted to be with Dylan but that there was this other guy Alex and then my ex Alex that I was pretty sure wanted to be with me. She told me maybe I should just be single and date them all (not exclusively so I wasn’t cheating) and see which one I actually want to be with. I know I want to be with Dylan though Sammy. He’s the only one I want to be with. Alex doesn’t mean anything to me and I don’t care about my ex Alex. He’s a scumbag and I just don’t want him in my life ever again.

So Dylan saw some of the messages with Alex on fb and thought I had cheated on him because she said “Don’t date either of them…” so he thought I had cheated. When he confronted me, I told him teh truth, no I was not dating anyone else. Then he told me that he read the messages with my sister and saw that is said I thought Alex (the marine) was cute. So he thought I cheated on him with Alex. Sam I swear on our friendship I never did anything with that guy, but for some reason when I went to Dylan what happend I didn’t tell him about D&B. I told him about a made up time at my moms when I kissed his guy. I incriminated myself! I lied and said I kissed him and now Dylan thinks I cheated on him. ot only that but he thinks I did way more with this guy. I didn’t, I could never cheat on Dylan… Sammy you know I could never do that to him. I love him so much and I really do want to marry him. But now he thinks I cheated on him and since he’s sick now he thinks I slept with this guy and gave him an STD. I do’t have an STD. I never slept with anyone, or kissed anyone else for that matter. I really didn’t do it but now I have myself so far in this hole that I don’t know how to get out. I can’t tell Dylan the real truth because he would never believe me now. So now our whole lives he’s going to think I cheated. What am I supposed to do? I hate myself because I lied and screw myself over and now the love of my freaking life hates me. I want to talk to Alex Fratke about it because I think she might be able to help me, but at the same time I know she is so tired of hearing me talk about Dylan. I wish you were home. Or at least if I had your right email…What am I supposed to do….. Part of me wants to find a way to raise 200 to pay for a lie detector test so I can prove I never did any of those things, but I doubt I can do that. So now I’ve ruined my relationship because I lied too much. I don’t know what to do. I feel like i need to break up with him because I can’t stop lying to him and now my lies are really hurting him . How do I tell him the truth and how will he believe me after all this mess?

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Axe Girl Past Life Story

A close friend, so amazing. 

I love him so much, because he can always make me smile. 

We use to hang out everyday,what happened to us? 

I have the worlds worst luck.

Honestly, if we bottled it, we would have a weapon of mass destruction,

So now we don’t hang out much. 

I miss him immensely. 

I still see him every day, but I hurt him really bad, so he’s in the middle of hating me.

He just won’t admit it. 

I can’t say I blame him; I would hate me to if I broke my heart.

 

The days we did spend together were amazing. When he would hold my hand I would smile because I knew he was mine. The way he wasn’t afraid to kiss me in front of anybody and everybody. The pictures we took, the tickle fights we got into, everything was just so great. I would push him on the ground and tickle him until he would admit I won. I always won weather or not I got him to admit it.

 

The times we spent together, kissing, holding hands, we meant so much to each other, but it had to end. The words ”I love you’ across a text message, for him to me, me to him. We were so close but I was so far away. 

Physically, I was with him, and he was so amazing. 

Emotionally, I was with another, connected and in love; or so I thought. 

Wanting one but needing the other. 

Some people said, “follow your heart”. Thinking logically I realized my heart would only make it worse. 

Then finally I made a decision, which I speculated would only hurt one, but in the end it hurt us both. The time came and I made up my mind, I said, ‘we can no longer be together’. I broke his heart and hurt me too, but as many times as I’ve tried, I can not take it back. 

 

I remember in our time together, we agreed we needed a genie. Three wishes is what I wish for, take it back, apologize, or not do it to begin with. No cards, no gifts, no flowers, could get me back in his arms. An inner conflict over one thing and another, I fought myself, heart and mind. 

 

He was so sweet and I’m broken because I’ve hurt him. When I look at him I can see the hurt in his eyes. Seeing each other in passing, he looked so disconnected. He wore dark glasses to block me out. How badly I want to wrap my arms around him, tell him how sorry I am. Though, how selfish I am, I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore, or to break my own heart once again.

 

The other, my love, so amazing, affectionate, and sweet. He has no clue about the other or my inability to be faithful. He left the country for a week and I run into the others arms, unfaithfulness upon me. I knocked my halo down. 

Now the other has someone new, and he’s happy with her. I’m happy for him, but still I feel bad. From the beginning, I didn’t like her, never have and never will. However, since I care about him, I will be civilized towards her. So many things have changed, not really for the better, we’re still friends, I suppose but it’s not the same. 

 

Buddies forever, friends till the end, that’s what we pledge to be. I still look at him and see him smile, when he’s with her it makes me ill. He might be happy but still I wonder, “if”. “If”. things had been different, would I still have him by my side?

 

I can’t lie, when I hurt him, I cried. Sometimes thinking about it still brings a tear to my eye.

When I see him with her I get disgusted, for reasons unknown to even myself. I say they look cute together, to me it’s not a lie. He says others disagree, I can clearly see why. To me as long as he’s happy that’s all that matters right? He likes her and she likes him, both of them are happy. I don’t want to see him with her, but i want to see him happy, so I just turn my head.

 

Why I have to be I’ll never understand, but he’s my friend, so I’ll be nice. I suppose that’s the only reason. I don’t talk to him much around her, well actually I don’t talk to him around her at all. I haven’t decided weather or not to ignore her and go on pretending she doesn’t exist, or speak to her when spoken to. I hope that I will decided soon, I hate walking past him with my head down pretending I’m okay.

 

 

This little story has a wicked twist. Something that should have never happened. Something I wish I could take back, more than when I broke his heart. 

 

Everybody says history has a way of repeating itself. Well this story is proof. After I had decided to be nice to her, graduation came. She graduated a happy person, he spent his summer days trying to see her. Me, I spent my summer with other friends, going on about my life. texting him when I had the chance. Summer ended with a painful halt. School was back and so was having to see him with her…. but wait! She graduated! I had actually won! Then I had learned she was no longer a part of his life. I had double won! Things were starting to look up for me. I loved it. 

 

Then came more hard. 

I was falling for him again, but this time I was free to fall. So I let myself fall. 

Big mistake!

 

She came along. A new girl, just another ugly face in the crowd to ruin my happiness. He began to fall! I saw my life begin to fall… but not fall for him, no, fall apart! I let him fall though. I watched as he fell for her and she did for him. It hurt me so bad. 

So again, I had hurt myself. Broke my own damn heart.

 

Then days later she just…. disappeared. I was shocked, where had she gone? So I asked him. She had to transfer to a different school! My life was looking up again! I was actually going to have the one I wanted! Little did I know… he was in love.

 

I told him I still loved him, that I still had those feelings we once shared. He had the same feelings. I thought she was out of the picture, just… gone. But once we started sharing our feelings again, we did it… in secrecy. I asked why, and it was because of her! DAMN IT!!!! But I still wanted him, I was determined to get him! 

 

Fifth block was where it all went down. My friends heard it all. Thing one, two, and three. Thing One, like always, would tell me to fight for what I wanted. Thing Two, would listen intently, and she would give me advice on what I should do. Then out of no where she was gone! Damn it! Not again. But I still had thing one and thing three.

Third block was good too. I had my buddy and I got to watch him as he did PE. Me and Chocolate Thunder would hang out and talk about all kinds of things. I would always write in my composition notebook to him. Chocolate Thunder would ask who I was writing to. I would just smile and saw, “only one person besides me is aloud to read this”. Chocolate Thunder would just shrug and saw okay. Then one day Chocolate Thunder saw who I gave it to. She started laughing and said, “Of all the people you let read it…. HIM!?” I smiled and nodded then went to fifth block.

 

Later down the road, things happened between him and I. Even while he was still with her. I however, didn’t care. But then something bad happened. May 20th 2010. Sitting in class, freaking out! Texting him and my best friend. There could have been a huge problem…. one I would have to hold for 9 months and live with for the rest of my life…. very literally. So fifth block came, I told thing one and thing two that I would be back. They both knew what was going to happen. So I met my best friend in the bathroom. And then I proved him wrong! I was ecstatic. I ran over to him and he squeezed me. 

 

A few days later…. he picked her! I was heart broken. That was not suppose to happen…. But it did.