Hello again my world of escape.
AxeGirl here once more, I’m trying to stay posted on this and keep my blog up to date with new things that are going on and such.
So, without further ado I will get on with it:
Yesterday, I [AxeGirl] had a really hard day. It was one of Dylan’s moments and he was upset and things were spiraling out of control. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Again there I was face to face with a situation, trying to handle things in an adult manner and I have a full grown bratty five year old stomping his foot and slamming the bedroom door because I asked him to pick up his toys. I was at my wits end yesterday. He wouldn’t call, he wouldn’t answer my calls. The only open line of communication we had was through text.
Now everyone knows how technological this world is now, however, fighting over a text and trying to talk maturely to an upset BPD who is acting like a child is difficult.
Yesterday he finally broke me down. I broke down to the point where I called my best friend and asked her what she thought. I asked her if she thought it was worth it. I knew she would be honest. I knew that even if she hurt my feelings she would mean what she said and say because she cares. She told me she thought I needed to re-evaluate the situation. Is all the fighting worth the few hours, or single day we spend together as an actual couple [being long distance somewhat]? Well I re-evaluated and decided, yes. Of course it’s worth it to see him happy and I happy with him. That isn’t all though. [come on, did you really think it would be that easy with AxeGirl writing this to you?]
Not only did my Dylan break me into calling my best friend; he broke me into scheduling a counseling appointment for myself! Yes, that’s right, now AxeGirl needs to see a counselor. You know what though, only those of you readers who have a loved one suffering form BPD will understand. Or those of you readers who have researched, or those of you readers who are professionals who understand. To my average everyday reader, this may all just seem like an English ‘tela-novella’. [that’s a soap opera by the way friends]. However, it is not. I suffer nearly everyday from his BPD as well. Not on his good days, because then his BPD is more under control and I am not suffering a mental or emotional crucifixion. However, on the bad days, when he lashes out or loses control, my brain and emotions and just everything it feels like is being nailed to a cross and taken up to the hill side to die. Not only do I not know who ‘Judas’ is in this situation, whether it be my own tongue that betrays me and sets him off, or an action; but also, what the hell happened to my Last Supper? or going into the Garden of Gethsemane? I say this meaning, where was my warning sign? Where my ‘hey so this is the last straw before I flip out and crucify you.’ ? I don’t any of that. I just go from happy and then BOOM now I’m being crucified!
The worst part is, my family see’s it. They see how hard I am struggling to stay afloat on this sinking blow up raft. They see me holding Rose’s hand as I float, freezing in the middle of the ocean losing any and all hope. I don’t get help, I don’t get ‘hey I’m here if you need to talk’. No, instead I get, “well, maybe seeing a counselor would be good for you AxeGirl. maybe they could give you a little insight.” Um, HELLO!? Is there anyone there that understands I don’t need to see a counselor so I can learn how to deal with his BPD. I need to see a counselor because I am being emotionally abused. I’m being mentally abused. Not only am I holding the sledge hammer he is using, but I kiss it right after he uses it! Like I love this pain! If that doesn’t show you true love and dedication, then I’m sorry what will?
As some of my readers well know, I have suffered through a lot worse with my Dylan. They may also recall what I said in my last post. I don’t plan to give up just because it gets a little tough. If people gave up every time it got tough, Hercules would have never made it to Olympus. Dora would have never made it to her grandmothers house. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel, Tiana, Jasmine, Gizelle, Rapunzel [the list goes on..] they would have never gotten there True Love’s Kiss. If people gave up every time it got tough, Obama would have been done his first term. MLK Jr wouldn’t have shared his Dream. Rosa Parks would have never been arrested. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have freed the slaves. The US would either still be fighting for or already have lost there freedom from Britain. I don’t plan to give up on him. Just like I wouldn’t want him to give up on me.
Like Jason Mraz say’s : ‘I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. […] I don’t want to be someone who walks away, I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. […] I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not, and who I am. I won’t give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. I’m still looking up. […] ‘