Pregnancy Angst

There is no need for introductions by now, especially if you’ve been reading my blog thus far.

When most people read the words “pregnancy angst” they would think the fear and anxiety of being pregnant. This would mean then, that those of you reading this has assumed AxeGirl is pregnant. Now only have you assumed AxeGirl is pregnant, but you assumed that she is having anxiety over it. Well I’ll clear all that up for you, and expand on my title so that you may understand what I mean by pregnancy angst.

Like most girls, I have dreamed about my wedding day. I have thought about every little detail of it and imagined not only the wedding, but all the planning and all the preparation for it as well. I love weddings, I have since I was little. There was only one wedding I attended that when tears streamed down my face, they were not those of happiness. That was the day my mother got married to my now ex-stepfather. They were age’s apart and he was honestly more like an older brother to me in age, but more like a younger brother to me in maturity. I cried that day and everyone thought I was so happy for my mom. However, that was not the case. I was extremely upset. Anyways, that’s a different story for another time.

As I was saying, I loved weddings, I have planned mine down to the last flower petal in the flowers girls basket. Not only do I love weddings, but I love babies. I love to hold them and care for them, and when they cry there is not greater satisfaction to me than to be the one to make them smile again. So for as long as I can remember, my biggest dream was to be a wife and mother.

I’m not kidding one bit. Whenever asked in school what I wanted to be when I “grew up” unlike the other children who said, fire fighter, doctor, nurse, singer, rock star, ect. I said wife and mother. I got the strangest looks from so many teaches. It wasn’t until high school that I actually got applauded for that response. It was my freshman English teacher, who was my senior English teacher as well, who applauded me for my bravery. She was an oddball that’s for sure. I remember Senior year the most vividly. She had told us all one day in class that after she got married to her third husband that she planned to quit teaching, go back to school to learn philosophy, and become a dish washing artist who lived in a studio apartment. I remember everyone else laughed, but I thought it was genius. Now, I know she won’t really do that. She loves to teach and has four children of her own and now a stepdaughter so they won’t be living in a studio apartment. However, she applauded me. We went around the class Senior year and she asked us all what we wanted to be. When she got to me she just smiled. She actually asked me to stand and explain to the class my choice. I was so nervous. I honestly hated speaking in front of people, and still do. However, I stood up walked to the front of the class and explained to them why I wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother when I “grew up”.

My reason’s:
Growing up I was without a father for the majority of my life thus far. My mom had guys in her life, but married only one, and I said earlier, he wasn’t really a catch. I always felt like something was missing in my life and knew that one day when I grew up and had children, I never wanted them to feel that way. I have always wanted to be a mother, the way babies laugh and smile, they are the epitome of innocence. I have always wanted to be the person whom someone depended on, the person someone loved with all their heart. A happy marriage and motherhood would give me those things. So, ever since I can remember they have been my biggest dreams. Mine you I would like to accomplish a little more in life. I plan to join the Air Force and be a paralegal, but ultimately I want to be a wife and mother.

So why pregnancy angst?
My last relationship I was honestly in love. It was nothing compared to the relationship I have with Dylan, but I thought I was honestly in love. We had a couple pregnancy scares and at the time I was not ready to a mother. Well, up until the ending of our relationship they were scares and nothing came of them. The last time we thought we had a scare, it was true. I was pregnant and we were fighting. Our relationship was coming to an end and I knew it. I didn’t know however, he was cheating. That was the ending to our relationship. However, it was not the ending to my pregnancy. Though I told him, though I showed him the test that proved to be positive, he didn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell my family, they would all be so disappointed in me. So, I planned to keep it a secret, telling only my best friend and of course the father. After getting an ultrasound, I was still not believed. There was hard proof in front of his face, and he didn’t believe me. Then I found he was not only in a new relationship, but in a relationship with the girl he head cheated on me with. I was devastated. She harassed me as much as she could. I was stressed because of the pregnancy. I was stressed because of the break up. I was stressed not because of her harassment. I developed a small hernia in my upper abdomen. So great, now I’m stressed because of my hernia that can already cause problems for my pregnancy. All the stress was killing me.

I went to see my doctor again. That was the last maternity visit I had with her. She told me that if my stress levels didn’t come down rapidly the chances of me caring out my pregnancy were very low. That only added more stress to my mind. Not a week later I lost my unborn little one. I went to my ex and told him the news. He was not devastated in the slightest. After that my dream to be a mother only got stronger. My desire to hold babies, to touch them and see them smile, only grew. I became obsessed with babies and everything about them. Then when I fell in love with Dylan things became real to me again.

When we first met and started dating he had talked about marriage as something that wasn’t for him. That was an instant red flag for me, but I didn’t think our relationship would get as serious as it ended up getting. Then later in our relationship after had fallen in love and discussed a future together, I tarted seeing babies everywhere again. There was a point when I secretly planned my baby shower. I was seriously obsessed. However, even though we never wore protection and I wasn’t on the pill for quite some time, I was never blessed with a fertilized egg. I looked up everything I could to try to get pregnant. I wanted a baby and I knew I wanted one with Dylan. I looked up different positions that would help, how to track ovulation, foods, pills, everything. There was a point where I gave up trying. I knew Dylan and I were not ready for a baby and so I started taking the depo-provera shot. After only one shot, however, I discontinued that because of the side effects that came with it. After that, I tried again.

We have been together a little over a year now, and I have been trying on and off for about six months to get pregnant. Nothing. There are a few things I’ve heard work, but so far nothing is working for me. It seems to me like I can no longer get pregnant. It’s almost like the miscarriage I had with my ex was the only shot I had at being a mother. Now, I know that isn’t true simply because of all the different treatments and such they have. However, it doesn’t make me any less discouraged.

So, by pregnancy angst, I mean quite the opposite of what people normally mean. I have angst that I won’t get pregnant. Not that I will. I have angst about never being able to feel the morning sickness, and cravings. I just hope I’m wrong and some time soon I will be able to be rid of this pregnancy angst.

Axe Girl

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