What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior. It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 – 2 percent of the general population.
If you’ve read my blog before, you will know that my loved one’s name is Dylan. If not I will just brief you slightly.
Dylan is and has been my partner for a little over a year now. We have had some crazy up’s and down’s, but in the past we have seemed to get through all our problems, and difficulties.
So, Dylan has BPD. He was diagnosed with this in May of this year and even before he was diagnosed with it, things were tough because of his outbreaks and bouts of depression and anger. However, ever since he was diagnosed things have seemed to get worse. He has been much more critical with himself and has been acting more angry towards me. He has, in the past and recently, told me I should kill myself. Not only that, but he has had moment’s where everything is seemingly fine one minute and the very next everything is falling apart and I am walking on eggshells so that I don’t upset him. If I somehow end up upsetting him, I suffer the verbal repercussions, which is more like a verbally beating. However, as I have said in previous blogs, I love Dylan. I would honestly do anything for him. I have talked to him about getting treatment, he can’t afford it right now and is extremely stubborn.
Like with other mental illnesses, BPD can come with other things. It is not uncommon for those with BPD to another disorder coupled with their BPD. It is very common for someone with BPD to also have fear of abandonment, depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, bipolar disorder, antisocial personality, and narcissistic personality.
Now with that being said, I can continue.
My Dylan does have a few of those things as well coupled with his BPD. I feel sometimes like they are all taking over his brain at once having an illness orgy. His BPD is coupled with not only depression, but mild antisocial personality, eating disorders (binge eating), substance abuse (alcohol abuse), and bipolar disorder. He is not a maniac in anyway. He is still the sweetest guy I know and the only one I love, and really ever want to love. I had no clue going into this relationship with him I would be not only his girlfriend, but also his mental and emotional caregiver. However, I’m here to tell you that even if I had the chance, and could go back to before we dated, knowing all that I know about him and about his BPD, I would still fall head over heels in love with him and take care of him the best I could.
If you recall from my earlier blog “A Stupid Girl’s Jealous Overreaction” I can be pretty mean and unsupportive of him. I tend to react rather than control. I have spent countless hours on the computer and in the library learning as much as I could about BPD and how to help loved ones who have it. I sort of stopped looking into it and ways to help when he started to change his behavior. He hadn’t lashed out at me in a while and things were looking so much better. However, after the episode we had last night and today, I thought it was time to start looking again, and actually be serious.
Last night Dylan had a seriously BPD night. It was so bad that I was on the phone with the suicide hotline because I was seriously considering killing myself. Not only that, but Dylan had told me to. He actually gave me pointers on how to do.
His exact words to me last night were as follows:
“Do me a favor and take out a life insurance policy on yourself and make me the beneficiary. Then hang yourself. The best way would be with an extension cord because it won’t break”
My Dylan can be lovely sometimes right?
Well what I supposed to do?
He was like a rebellious child screaming that he hated me before going to his room and coloring on the walls and throwing a temper tantrum, because I told him he couldn’t have dessert. My feelings were hurt and I was an emotional wreck. However, when I get into that state, I don’t remember he has BPD. I don’t remember that it’s not him talking, it’s his illness. I used to lash back. I have been told that I have a parseltongue and that my words can strike pretty hard if used right, at the right time, on the right person. I know his buttons, I know what to say to hurt him and make him angry and I used to use that. I have since stopped doing that and now I juts get hurt. When I get hurt from the things he says, I start having this suicidal, self destructive image of myself and the only person who can really change that is Dylan. So last night when lashed, I recoiled and began to cry hysterically. I began to dig my nails into my skin and never once did the thought, “hang up the phone” cross my mind. I didn’t even think to set the phone down. I held it, pressed to my ear, as I listened to him verbally bask me and strike out at all the things I do and have done. I listened to him, intently, tell me how worthless I was and how I will never amount to anything. I foolishly stayed on the phone while my partner told me he hated me so much that he wanted me to kill myself so he could be rid of me.
After he hung up last night, I was a wreck sitting on my bed in my bath towel with the phone still pressed to my ear, crying hysterically and I had no idea what I was going to do. After he hung up, my first thought was to call back. However, I didn’t. Instead I called the suicide hotline. I was on the phone with that woman for nearly an hour. The whole time, Dylan is calling me. I hear the annoying little beep in my ear between every other word the woman on the phone is saying. Then he sends me a text message. I pulled the phone from my ear and allowed myself a brief glance at the message. He had told me if I was going to take my life, he would take his s well. I put it off, knowing he was being rash. Then he calls more, and continues to call. Leaving only one voice mail, and sending another text. The second text he sent me is asking me not to do it, with a very meaningful “please” at the end.
After getting off the phone with the suicide hotline, I called him back. He had a chance to calm himself down, and I in turn had a chance to clear my head a bit and really think about somethings. The relief in his voice was comforting. He was relived to her my voice, to know that I had not taken my life. I had never planned to. I am not really a fan of pain, and while I did dig my nails into my skin, that was the extent of my self harm. However, he was so pleased I was alright. He expressed to me that he was nearing the end. That if I had not called him, he would have taken his life, or at least tried to. That was when I realized it was time for us to talk about his BPD and the possibilities of treatment again.
I told him how I felt. I told him I thought he needed help. That he needed to talk to a professional who would be able to really help him get over this and get past this illness. I also told him I would most likely need to have treatment for the mental and emotional things I have gone through, not only because of him but because of a few things from my past that surface when he lashes out. It was not something he wanted to her. He did agree that he needed treatment, however, when i asked him if he wanted help he denied me and now today he has pushed me away.
I know that his BPD is not only problem in our relationship, but also in his past relationships. I know that when and if he decides it’s time for him to be with someone else, that his BPD will have an affect on that girl too. However, I’m not concerned about that right now. I’m mostly concerned about him. I don’t want him to lose control of his anger or slip into such a deep depression that he does end up taking his own life, or hurting someone else. I really care about his happiness and well being and after all the things I’ve been through with him and the things that I’ve read and learned about BPD, I know that it’s not only going to be a long struggling journey back to healthy Dylan, but it’s going to mean a lot of sacrifice and pain. I don’t know if any other person, let alone another female, would be willing and able to help him on the road to healthy or even just on the road to the road to healthy. He has to want help, I don’t know if any other female would be willing, I don’t know if any other female would see it for what it is, and illness. An illness that can be cured. Not an illness that defines him, but one that takes him over from time to time. I know I am willing, I know I am able. I know that no matter what happens, I will always love my Dylan and I will always want what is best for him. I just don’t know where to go from here.