Why does it matter?
Why do you care?
Well, because, that’s why.
I don’t write this blog so that I can get sympathy for my past or so I can get kudos on my present. I write this blog because I knew I needed somewhere to get out my thoughts.
So now back to the original question.
Why do I care?
Simple, because you matter. You are important to me and special to me and I care about not only your well being but your happiness. I know you don’t see it this way, but I do put you over myself. I do think about what you would want over what I would want. Not every time, but a large chunk of the time I do.
Why does it matter?
That too is simple. It matter’s to me because even in the end if I get hurt, I want you to be happy. Even in the end if I am left for dead with the poison from the attack slowly spreading through my body, as long as you are satisfied that is what matters. I ask because I care. I honestly care.
Why does it bother me?
It bother’s me because I can’t think of bringing someone else into the picture, even if it is “just a friend”. I can’t think of anyone ever taking your place. This is not me going on an “I love you so much” rampage. This is me being honest and saying what is on my mind. Every time someone else is brought into the picture, it crushes me. I can literally feel a piece of me being ripped away and lost for good.
The amount of pain you would feel if I were to bring someone else into the picture. The amount of hurt that would coarse through you would be immense. I know this because I feel it. I don’t have doubts about you caring anymore. I know you do. I don’t have doubts about you loving me, I know you do. It feels as though you regard me as a mindless robot with no real thoughts or feelings. Like what you say doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Maybe it’s because I am too stupid to understand what you’re really saying. Or maybe it’s because I am too selfish to comprehend the validity and truthfulness of the statement.
Now both of us that I am not stupid and I am fully capable of comprehending simple things, and even mild to difficult things. So is it because I am too selfish to understand the meaning behind your words? Or the underlying reasons behind your motives? I don’t think so.
I wonder what it would be like if you tried to wrap your mind around my feelings, because I am not a mindless robot with out thoughts or feelings. I wonder, how would it be if you were capable of seeing my thoughts and feeling the mental and emotional wounds I have because of the things that not only you, but other people say and do.
They say you have to walk at least a mile in someone else’s shoe’s to really start to grasp how the other person feels and thinks. I think maybe it’s time I handed over my size 9 for you to try on. They may not physically fit, but I wonder if you’d be able to handle it. I could never wear your shoe’s. I would never pretend I could. The scars you have on your heart from your past are far to deep for me to be able to cope with. I may not know pain like you did, but I wonder, have you ever felt betrayal like I have. Have you ever felt utter failure and been looked at with sheer disappointment and disgust. I don’t think so, but then again I’ve never worn your shoe’s so I don’t know.
I can tell yo one thing for certain; there is one memory that I have relived over and over that has killed me every time I have relived it, that I know you couldn’t handle. The amount of anguish and despair you would feel from this memory, would break you. I think only the female mind is strong enough to handle this one. Just as I know there are things only the male mind are fit to handle.
However, if ever there is a time where you ask me to put on your worn old converse and walk in your shoe’s and feel the things you have, I would do it. I would do it or I would die trying.