From Furious To Irate In .2 Seconds

When I started to type this, I had no clue what I was going to write about. 

All I knew was Axe Girl was angry and Axe Girl needed to blow off some steam.

Today I got news that was less than pleasing to say the least. 

So what did I do? I plugged my head phone’s into my laptop, turned on my Spotify and searched for Alanis Morissette. I turned my volume nearly all the way up and began to type. 

The news I got today set me over the edge with rage. The blood that coarse’s through my veins began to boil under my skin. The headache I had been fighting off came on full course and wouldn’t stop pounding behind my temple.

What’s the news? Axe Girl will gladly tell you.

My Prince Charming, while practically perfect in every way, has one huge flaw. Her name is Amber. (Just typing her name irritates me.
Anyways, this Amber is his ex girlfriend. Now, as I’ve said before, I am an extremely jealous girl. This girl is the one who makes me question the truthfulness of almost every statement my Prince Charming makes. 

I trust Dylan, don’t get me wrong, but I have never and will never trust this Amber. 
See, she is the kind of girl who is sweet and innocent on the outside, but behind that mask lays a lying, deceiving, home wrecking little whore. Now, you can say Axe Girl took that too far, but no, she didn’t. 

Now, I will not post everything derogatory I know about this girl here, because that would be rude, crude, and social unacceptable. I will say, however, that there is very good reason for me to be saying these things.

Anyways, on to the news I got.

Amber and Dylan used to be an item, as I have already said, and it didn’t work. (That’s partly because this girl is seriously dumber that an box of rocks) She moved from California to Oregon. That was all gravy. She was far away from man and that’s what mattered to me. While she lived in Oregon, she would not leave Dylan alone. She would cal, she would text, she would Facebook him. It was nonstop and it drove me up a wall. 

She even went as far as to sending him photo’s of her in less than desirable clothing attire. She knew full well he was with me then and she knew full well it was wrong. She just didn’t care. (Home wrecking whore).

There was a point when Dylan was out of the state and I had told Amber not to contact him again or I would personally see to it she suffered the repercussions of her actions. She swore to me faithfully she would leave him alone. I find out two days later, she called him again. (Liar)

When I confronted her about sending him photo’s and such she told me she was unaware I knew about them and that she didn’t want to cause problems. (deceiving)

So now that I have explained why this girl is a lying, deceiving, home wrecking whore I will continue with the news I got.

 

Today, I am talking with Dylan, who is currently out of town spending time with some family, and he tells me he has some news. Instantly I know it’s that Amber is coming back to California. I ask him anyways, hoping and praying that I am wrong. He tells me he got a call today and that I’m not going to be too happy about the outcome. 

That struck a nerve. 

I was instantly furious. Not only was I furious, I was outraged that not only is this girl coming back, but she felt it necessary to call and tell him. 

Now, if you only knew the type’s of things this girl did. If you knew the type’s of things she has offered and agreed to. You would understand the extent of my utter outrage. 

So, I say to Dylan that’s fine. Am I happy about it no, but it’s fine. He proceeds to tell me that he thinks this whore deserve’s to see him! That she deserves at the very least a “hi, how are you doing?” and maybe a hug! 

That’s when any and all control I had went out the window. I went from furious to irate in .2 seconds. 

So my lovely readers, I am here to tell you Axe Girl is pissed. 

Axe Girl is past the point of talking to.

Axe Girl is done talking and is currently bending to pick up her axe.

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To Whom It May Concern

I tried to stop myself from writing this one. I really did, but Axe Girl got the best of me and I couldn’t take it anymore. So here it goes.

 

Do you have to live on this planet? Can’t you just drop dead from unknown causes? I wouldn’t even care if you didn’t die, could you just disappear and be completely erased form the minds of those who matter to me? Is that really too much to ask?

Why is it that every time I think I have a good thing there is always some girl who has to be in the picture? Like did I really screw up so badly in the past to where my whole future has to be diseased with people who are really just a waste of space and oxygen. 

“Why Axe Girl are you so angry?” 
He ask’s

“Why Axe Girl are you so threatened by her?”
He ask’s

“She doesn’t mean anything to me Axe Girl.”
He say’s

“I love you, get it through your head. Not her”
He say’s

Well this is what Axe Girl has to say about it:

Why am I so angry? Because I am tired of feeling like I am disposable. I am tired of feeling like one wrong word and it will be like I’m grains of sand tossed into sea, never to be seen again.

Why am I so threatened by her? Honestly, I’m not. I know for a fact that she will never measure up to what I am capable of. I know that No matter what, I am the more superior one when it comes to that. (I’m sorry if that sounded really shitty I will probably edit it later I am really upset right now though)

She doesn’t mean anything to you? Then why do you feel the necessity to call? To text? To Facebook? To wonder? To even bring her up or think or her? If she didn’t matter at all, even if she was a friend, if you knew the pain it caused to someone you said you loved you would mean it when you say she doesn’t mean anything.

You love me? I know that, but you know sometimes it really doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes it feels, like I said before, like I am disposable. I’m nothing special, not a knight, or even a bishop, I’m just a pawn. I have no real purpose and am completely and utterly disposable. 

 

You want to know why Axe Girl is so mad?

Well imagine you were Axe Girl. 

Now, lets pretend that I’m you.

Now, you’re Axe Girl and I’m you and I basically look at your feelings as less than important, they are far less important than mine and your thoughts and opinions a lot of the time are just irrelevant. 

Okay so now Axe Girl, you feel pretty bad don’t you? 
I tell you I love you everyday and I mean it. I really do.
But right after I tell you I love you, I take something you thought was important and I basically tell you, I don’t care at all and I don’t understand why you’re telling me. It is of no relevance to me and I think your stupid for thinking I would care about something so mundane to me. 

Tell me Axe Girl, do you believe I love you now?

No.

But I’ve shown you so many times that I do care and I do love you. I’ve given you my everything and I would continue. 

So now, Axe Girl, you believe me again.

(It’s okay, in a few hours I’m going to make you question it again, you just don’t expect it yet)

So now we can switch back. 

I’m Axe Girl again, and you can be you now.

 

Let’s ponder for moment, what could possibly make Axe Girl so angry? So hurt? So ready to pick up a f*@&!#g axe?Image

 

A Mile In My Shoes

Why does it matter?

Why do you care?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Well, because, that’s why.

I don’t write this blog so that I can get sympathy for my past or so I can get kudos on my present. I write this blog because I knew I needed somewhere to get out my thoughts. 

So now back to the original question.
Why do I care?
Simple, because you matter. You are important to me and special to me and I care about not only your well being but your happiness. I know you don’t see it this way, but I do put you over myself. I do think about what you would want over what I would want. Not every time, but a large chunk of the time I do. 

Why does it matter?
That too is simple. It matter’s to me because even in the end if I get hurt, I want you to be happy. Even in the end if I am left for dead with the poison from the attack slowly spreading through my body, as long as you are satisfied that is what matters. I ask because I care. I honestly care. 

Why does it bother me?
It bother’s me because I can’t think of bringing someone else into the picture, even if it is “just a friend”. I can’t think of anyone ever taking your place. This is not me going on an “I love you so much” rampage. This is me being honest and saying what is on my mind. Every time someone else is brought into the picture, it crushes me. I can literally feel a piece of me being ripped away and lost for good. 

The amount of pain you would feel if I were to bring someone else into the picture. The amount of hurt that would coarse through you would be immense. I know this because I feel it. I don’t have doubts about you caring anymore. I know you do. I don’t have doubts about you loving me, I know you do. It feels as though you regard me as a mindless robot with no real thoughts or feelings. Like what you say doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Maybe it’s because I am too stupid to understand what you’re really saying. Or maybe it’s because I am too selfish to comprehend the validity and truthfulness of the statement.

Now both of us that I am not stupid and I am fully capable of comprehending simple things, and even mild to difficult things. So is it because I am too selfish to understand the meaning behind your words? Or the underlying reasons behind your motives? I don’t think so.

I wonder what it would be like if you tried to wrap your mind around my feelings, because I am not a mindless robot with out thoughts or feelings. I wonder, how would it be if you were capable of seeing my thoughts and feeling the mental and emotional wounds I have because of the things that not only you, but other people say and do. 

They say you have to walk at least a mile in someone else’s shoe’s to really start to grasp how the other person feels and thinks. I think maybe it’s time I handed over my size 9 for you to try on. They may not physically fit, but I wonder if you’d be able to handle it. I could never wear your shoe’s. I would never pretend I could. The scars you have on your heart from your past are far to deep for me to be able to cope with. I may not know pain like you did, but I wonder, have you ever felt betrayal like I have. Have you ever felt utter failure and been looked at with sheer disappointment and disgust. I don’t think so, but then again I’ve never worn your shoe’s so I don’t know. 

I can tell yo one thing for certain; there is one memory that I have relived over and over that has killed me every time I have relived it, that I know you couldn’t handle. The amount of anguish and despair you would feel from this memory, would break you. I think only the female mind is strong enough to handle this one. Just as I know there are things only the male mind are fit to handle. 

However, if ever there is a time where you ask me to put on your worn old converse and walk in your shoe’s and feel the things you have, I would do it. I would do it or I would die trying. 

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A Stupid Girl’s Jealous Over Reaction

So today Axe Girl went a little loco. 

Before I describe the events that transpired tonight, let me just give you a bit of background.

Axe Girl: That would obviously be me. I am a very jealous girl and I tend to overreact when I get jealous. I have been a lot in my past by guys and I’ve been cheated on and used. Now I don’t want sympathy for those things, because in my past blogs and in blogs to come I am sure you will understand I am not an angel in all these things. I say and do some pretty provoking things sometimes. However, because I’ve been hurt so much I tend to keep my guard up a bit more now. I also tend to overreact when i probably shouldn’t.  I don’t want to get hurt again like I have been in the past, so I am always on my guard with things like that. 

 

Tonight that got me into some trouble. 
If you’ve read my past blog, “Just A Fairy Tale?” you will know I am madly in love with a very special guy named Dylan. I have never been so in love or cared about a guy, or any one for that matter, as much as I care about him. He likes his space though. Today was one of those days I guess because he didn’t have his phone all day and when he did finally have his phone he was doing other things. 
Apparently, he had been playing a game all day on xBox and then started drinking. After that he had to help clean up the house and he was talking to his room-mate’s little sister. 
Like I said before, I am really jealous. I know I have NOTHING to worry about when it comes to this little girl, she is only a freshman in high school and from what Dylan tells me, he is not her type because she has “jungle fever”. 

Well, while Dylan was talking to his room-mate’s sister I was calling him. One of the times he accidentally picked up but then hung up again. I think maybe his phone was in his pocket and he bumped it or butt dialed me. Anyways, after that his pocket called me again and I heard some of the conversation. He was moving around so it was muffled and I, with my jealous ears, heard him talking to another girl. And with my jealous ears I heard him talking about sexual activities and such. Now I am here to tell you now, that he was not talking about those things. He was actually talking about his room-mate’s cousin and the guys that went to his room-mate’s sisters school. 

I didn’t hear any of that, I heard other things with my jealous ears. 
So with my jealous mind and angry thoughts now, I got on Facebook and I typed a very mean and hateful message to Dylan. 
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Axe Girl was not very nice to Dylan until the very last line where I take back everything he said if he was talking to his room-mate’s little sister (Chelsea)

Well, I wasn’t all mean…. I did send him other messages following those.

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Well….. Dylan saw those messages…. the really mean ones, not the ones where I was saying how bad it would hurt, or how sorry I was if it was just Chelsea. Or that I took everything back if it was just her. 

Needless to say my Prince Charming was not very happy with me. I’m very lucky he loves me as much as he does, or I wouldn’t have a Prince Charming anymore. 

 

So as you see, I say some pretty harsh provoking things when I’m angry or jealous. Now, hopefully my Prince Charming will have forgiven me in the morning and hopefully he won’t read those messages again. And now that it’s past 4Am on the West Coast, I think it’s time for Axe Girl to get some sleep. 

 

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Just A Fairy Tale?

There is really no need for a back story on this one. My Prince Charming, my Knight In Shining Armor, my Rescuer when I, myself was a D.O.D (Damsel In Distress), the King of my heart and only guy on my mind, Dylan.

He is that guy you wouldn’t think would be with a girl like me. He’s an outdoor-sy kind of guy. He loves cold weather, but hates the rain. He likes to hike, and camp, and fish, and you know, guy stuff. He listens to old school rock, the classics. To give you just a brief idea of what I mean, his favorite band is Led Zeppelin. He’s not the guy that you’ll find in a club drinking a martini that’s for sure. He’s more of the guy that you’ll find in his room playing video games while drinking a beer. Now, just because he’s an outdoor-sy guy, doesn’t mean he isn’t a gentleman.

One of the things that attracted me most to him was his great sense of humor, and how respectfully he treated ladies. Now if you were a hoe he treated you as such, but if he didn’t know you too well, or you were actually a lady, he treated you like one.

When we first started dating, and even now, he opened the door for me going in somewhere, or out of somewhere and when I was getting into the car. He never spoke to me in a derogatory manor, he was always respectful and such a gentleman.
I remember or first actual date. He had just got off work and wanted to take me to dinner. I swear it took me three hours to get ready that night. Luckily, I was ready when he got there.
I had decided on cute but slightly simple. I wore a blue tank top with a pair of denim skinny jeans and a pair of black bots and a fur hooded button vest type thing. I wore my hair half up with my bangs out, but pushed out of my eyes. I had my make up done flawlessly but still elegant. I even wore the perfume he liked. The look on his face when I came down the stairs was picture perfect. I may not have pulled out a camera but it is still etched into my mind and as clear to me now as when I first saw it that day.

We walked towards the door and he politely stepped in front of me and opened it for me to walk out. Then when we got to the car, he opened my door first and then went around and got in the drivers side. He let me pick the restaurant and didn’t even say anything about not being a huge fan of Italian food. When we went to our seats, he pulled out my chair and pushed it in for me after I had sat down. The whole night he sat across form me and stared into my eyes like he was falling in love with me for the first time. During dinner there was even a point when I had my hand rested on the table and he reached across so gingerly and laced his fingers with mine.

That night after he dropped me off at home I danced in circles in my bedroom while my bestfriend sat in the hall and laughed at me.

I have never met a guy who could make me so crazy in love while not only being the best friend he could to me, but by being the best lover and partner he could be too.

I didn’t think I would cry while writing this, but I guess I underestimated my emotional level.
To the world, Dylan might not be anything special right now, that will change with time because we’re both still young-ish. But Dylan is not just the most special to me, but I consider him to be the thing that makes my world special. He gives me purpose and makes me want to be a better person. I may not show it often, if not ever, but when I’m with him I feel not only more important, but I fell more respected, more loved, and more beautiful than I have ever felt in my whole life. I would have never guessed in a million years that a man could make me feel so alive and so real. But the day when I was at my most D.O.D moment, he practically swept out of the sky on a Pegasus on a cloud and became my Hercules. When I have my most Pinocchio moments and I feel like my nose is surfing on the East Coast while I sit on the West, he walks in and becomes not only Gepetto but my Fairy God Mother too. When I’m waltzing around in Wonderland not paying any attention to the real world he politely becomes the Cheshire Cat and wakes me from my dreams. Dylan and I may not “officially” be together, but my heart belongs to him. I would hop on his white horse and ride off into the sunset towards his castle while I waved goodbye to the seven dwarfs any day.

So, to those girls who think it’s not possible; stay optimistic girl. It will happen and it doesn’t matter what shape, size, color, or religion you are. Love is meant for everyone. That’s not just a Fairy Tale.

(If by chance My Prince Charming reads this, I hope he realizes and understand I mean every word…)
Axe Girl

A Little Insight To The “Best friend”

Axe Girl: 

I’ve always prided myself on the person I knew I was. I knew I was a head-strong, rebellious kind of girl. I was well put together on the outside and tried not to wear my heart on my sleeve because I didn’t want anyone to have the insight I knew they would if I did. I may have been well put together on the outside, but on the inside I was a wreck. 

I knew I had emotional problems. I let people, specifically guys, in too easy. I would trust on a whim and fall far too hard for the first Tom, Dick, or Harry who showed me the slightest bit of positive attention. I wouldn’t consider myself a whore, but I wasn’t an a Rubik cube. I always fell for the wrong guy and ended up hurt because of my own stupidity, and naivety. Sure, Tom was a “sweet guy” and yeah, Dick was a “real gentleman”, and then of course Harry was the “best friend”. However, I was alone in my own thoughts. Yes, I had friends, and I could always talk to them. I just seemed to talk a lot though. Whenever I was out with my friends, or even in with my friends, the topic always ended up being guys and relationships. Everybody knew how Axe Girl was. I’d get sideways jeers and laughs because it was about Tom and Harry and Tom and Dick and Harry and Tom and Tom and Harry and Dick. While most of my friends didn’t bother themselves with relationships. The few who did were a little more intelligent than I. 

Like I said before, I wasn’t a whore. I didn’t go out and party and meet some Joe-shmo and spread my legs like butter. I had a little more class than that. Not much, I’m sad to say, but a little. No, instead of going out to parties and such, I found the “best friend”. That was usually the trick that got me every time. I was hurt over a relationship and I was sad and he was there for me to talk to. I always fell into that trap. There where two main times I fell for that. And both times, I paid for it emotionally afterward. 

The first time:

I was young, younger than I would like to admit, but old enough to be in high school. I was in a long term, committed relationship with this guy. It was a long distance relationship and we hardly saw each other because we young, but it a committed one non-the-less. He was going on a trip to Mexico to visit some family. I didn’t even hear about this trip until he was already gone and his sister answered the phone and informed me she had no idea when he was coming back, or even if he was coming back. I was of course distraught. My boyfriend of almost a year just up and leaves with out a single word to me and I’m suppose to just be cool with it? 

Anyways, it was during spring break. I was out of school and everything else in my life was grand. I was planning on spending the break with my long term bestie, Rachel, and my new best friend, Ryan. 

Here’s where the “best friend” trick comes into the story.

So my best friend Rachel was a complete band nerd. Everything band was everything Rachel. The band was having a fundraiser car wash and I had decided I would help. Well half way through I got bored. I had been messaging Ryan and he had offered for me to watch a movie with him at his place. Sure thing right? No harm in watching a movie with your friend? Well we didn’t watch a movie. I ended up blabbing to him about my relationship problem and how I had pretty much decided to move on. That’s when he popped the question! (and I don’t mean marriage) First I’m sitting on the couch crying the next thing I know he’s asking me to be his girl friend and then the next thing I know I’m doing the sideways tango. None of this would have been so bad if my long term relationship I had “decided to move on from” hadn’t called the next day to tell me he was home. I melted like ice cream on a hot summers day and the next thing I know I have two boyfriends. So now, I’m trying to juggle that with out either finding out and trying to figure out not only which one to get rid of but how. 

It was actually a bit easier than I thought it would be. Since one relationship was a long distance thing, I could easily push that out of my mind all day while I was at school and with Ryan. This went on for a bout a week and then I realized it was not only physically draining keeping up with both of them, but mentally. (and no I was not sleeping with them both. I had long since stopped sleeping with my long distance lover) So I knew I had to end it. Not only that, but I was started to get really annoyed. Trust me, if you’re thinking about doing the whole two boyfriend thing, think long and hard about it because it’s irritating putting up with two testosterone driven humans. 

Now I’m not sure what me made do what I did, but I have regretted it ever since. 
I was out of town for the weekend so I was testosterone free for the most part. Both had decided to text message me all day long, every day I was gone. That was normal for the one, but for Ryan, not so much. I couldn’t put my phone down because if I did when I picked it back up there would be at least three of four messages from each of them. So I devised a plan to get rid of one, I just wasn’t sure still which one it would be. Then my opportunity came when Ryan text messaged me and asked me what was wrong. I acted out of impulse then. 

I was so tired of having to deal with both of them that I thought I would rather deal with my long distance relationship than with only Ryan. So I messaged him back and did the most childish thing I could think to do. I pretended I was my girlfriend. (and I don’t mean like best friend). He was heart broken! I felt horrid. Not only did I text message break up with him, but I lied and said it was because I had a girlfriend. That was, I think, the lowest thing I could have done to a person. 
(But anyways, the rest of that story is irrelevant right now)

The Second Time:

(Now before I start this one, I just want you to know that here you’ll begin to understand my earlier statement: “I’d get sideways jeers and laughs because it was about Tom and Harry and Tom and Dick and Harry and Tom and Tom and Harry and Dick”)

So, I was a senior in high school now, or was I a junior? No, I was a senior. Anyways, I was dating Ryan. He had graduated the previous year and since he hadn’t gone off to college, he was still way close to me. Now we were older as well, so he had a car and all that stuff. 

We had been together almost a year now, well not quite but getting close. We had been having some problems though, see there was another girl. (You may all call this karma but I call it straight up wrong) She was supposedly his best friend and she looked at him “like a brother”. When she said those words to me the words, “yeah right bitch” almost fell out of my mouth. He told me I had no reason to worry, and she in turn said the same. That right there should have been reason enough for me to worry. 

Now since this back story isn’t really necessary for my point, I’m leaving it out and saving for a later date.

So like I said we were having problems and I had a friend at school who, yes, was a guy. His name was Trevor. He and I were friends and nothing more than that while Ryan and I were together. I hardly even talked about my problems to Trevor, it was just friendly hanging out and stuff. He knew I had a boyfriend and respected that.
Then that fateful day came. Ryan and I were on a sort of break, or time out I guess. We were taking a beat and I hadn’t talked to him in a few days. I was sitting at the house during spring break when I got a text message from Ryan. Basically he told me we were threw. I lost it. However, not only that day, but a few days later, Trevor came to the rescue. He was best friend shoulder to cry on. 

I hit that trap like a bug on a windshield. Not long after the break up were Trevor and I a secret item. I didn’t want the world to know because well, I had just gotten out of a relationship. He didn’t want the world to know , because he wasn’t ready to be called the rebound openly. One minute I’m crying on his shoulder, two weeks later I’m learning I can get dressed really quick when a guys parents are walking in the house. 

 

Axe Girl’s Conclusion:

I had said that in both situations I had paid emotionally for the “best friend” trap. I may not have made those emotional repercussions very clear though. So hear they are : 
The first time I fell for the best friend trap, I ended up not only hurting Ryan, but three days later I caught my long distance love cheating on me. You can say I deserved it for what I did, but in my opinion two wrongs don’t make a right.
The second time I fell for the best friend trap, I had started really falling for Trevor and I even went as far as to publicly asking him to prom. He shot me down, saying he wasn’t really ready for a girl friend. Two days later this scum bag is dating one of my friends. 

So I’m here to tell you, the “best friend” thing, is nothing but a trap to make is easy for guys to get into your pants. They play your vulnerabilities against you and then strike like a hungry cobra. After the strike, they decide not to eat you, but just leave you to die while the poison slowly spreads through your entire body. 

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